Tomorrow I’m travelling across the country to Jutland after work to visit my parents and see how they’re getting on. My Dad’s doing worse these days, which is really no great surprise. It seems it can only go one way now, and that’s down-hill.
So on Friday my parents and I will be going to a church across the bay to see if we can find my Dad a good plot in their cemetery when the time comes. My mother has vetoed their local cemetery since it’s dull and drab and has no charm whatsoever, and she wants a pretty place to visit when my father dies.
South side
This is the church. It’s positively tiny, but rather pretty I find.
North side
And the view looks amazing, and it seems quite fitting that the cemetery should have a view of that same island with a medieval fortress ruin that my parents have a view of from their sitting room.
View
The interior looks rather cute, too; it’s not too big, so it’s a good scale for a small funeral. My Dad being – to the best of my knowledge – the only person in my family who is still a member of the Church of Denmark will have a traditional funeral ceremony, so it’s nice that it’s not some cavernous, vaulted church but this small intimate space instead. (According to Wikipedia it seats 82, which is more than plenty for our family and friends.
Interior
Some might find it slightly morbid that we’re making all these arrangements before he dies, but I quite like it. It won’t be a series of rushed decisions after he dies and a lot of stress and arrangements to cope with; just a plan that needs to be taken out of the drawer, dusted off and set in motion.
My mother and I will do the flowers for the coffin together, like we did when my mother’s father died. Seasonal flowers, of course, so that can’t be planned in advance, though I suspect we have both started thinking about what the various months will have to offer.
It’s all terribly undramatic, really. It’s a punch in the guts that you know is coming, so right now it’s all about being ready for it.
Fotos courtesy of Wikipedia.
So sorry to hear this is happening…what a lovely view and church and it is nice to be able to plan ….the punch in the gut though will not go away…
We won’t be ready for it when it comes – how could we be, really – but we will be prepared. If that makes sense…
But there is a certain comfort in knowing that we will have a lot of the practical issues under control. I think my mother especially is keen to have as few choices as possible to make when the time comes.
I’m very sad for you all but the church and surrounding countryside is very picturesque and a perfect place to rest. I’m all for forward planning and knowing want people want if anything. I think it’s as much for those that are left behind as for the person that has died.
The cemetery is very much for my Mother. My Dad is so tired these days that he doesn’t seem to have much of an opinion on anything, really, and personally I don’t really care too much about where my Dad ends up, but I do care about where my mother will go visit his grave.
So hard, but I think you are right, that knowing that the church, service and burial plot are all what your Dad wanted will make a difference when you are dealing with the coming loss. I know how hard it has been for someone I am close to that she never got the chance to talk about all this stuff before her husband died recently, it made all those decisions doubly hard for her and she still sometimes wonders whether she did right by him. I hope your Mum finds comfort in having a lovely place to go to visit his grave, though my heart goes out to you all that you are having to face this. This planning won’t make it easier, but it may make it less hard, if that makes sense.
It makes sense. After all, in the week after his death we will have enough to deal with, without having to make all these decisions. (My mother in particular, of course.)
What a peaceful, beautiful spot. What you and your family are dealing with is so hard. I salute your strength.
I don’t really think it’s “strength”; I think it’s mainly just pragmatism. These things need planning, and we just have to get on with it. Either way, in the end it will make things easier, I hope.
Soren, I’m sorry to hear that your father is doing worse, but I remember how comforting it was to my mother when she and I went to take care of the cemetery plot for my father. The spot your mother has chosen is beautiful; it will be a wonderful place both to put your father to rest and for her to visit his grave. My thoughts are with you. -Jean
We found the most beautiful spot in the lawn down by the stone wall around the cemetery. My mother wants a no-maintenance grave, so it’s perfect that the best spot in the cemetery is in a lawn where all you are allowed to do is prop a stone up against the stone wall and maybe leave a bouquet now and then.
And I think my mother liked having this sorted out and getting the price from the grave digger and so on. One less thing to worry about.
I am so sorry for what you know is coming but taking hold of the planning is a wonderful , sensible way to have this decided .. less stress when the truly stressful situation does arrive.
This small church is ideal for a small family gathering .. beautiful in fact.
My husband and I want to arrange for our matters so our son doesn’t have to deal such a dramatic time .. I think Europeans are more practical about this issue .. North Americans have to catch up or is that grow up ?
Joy : )
A lot of Europeans are rather shy of talking about death; my older brother, for example, doesn’t even want to discuss it with me or my parents, and my younger brother will talk about it in general terms but doesn’t want to make any actual plans, so it’s great that I’m of the same persuasion as my mother so we can talk things through and get some boxes ticked off. (And my aunt, my mother’s younger sister, is also a great help to her. She has worked in Darfur and Iraq, so she has her own arrangements all made from when she left for those places. And let’s face it; cancer is a more dangerous place than Basra ever was!)
Soren, you and your mum are doing the correct thing. In the UK it is almost like we are behaving in some sinful way in raising this subject with our siblings or other close relatives. My 91 year old mother is reluctant to discuss any details with us regarding her wishes, I guess we have the sense to do what she would want. The church and the setting looks very charming.
I think it’s mainly like that in Denmark as well; my Mum’s family just has a tradition for being quite open about death, so to her – and myself – it comes quite naturally that we can start to plan things before we have the actual bereavement to handle as well.
And it IS a charming church; the scale is perfect for a small funeral, and the setting is wonderful.
Soren, so sorry to read of your fathers’ terminal illness, I think you and your parents have done the right thing in dealing with as much as possible beforehand, it is a charming and intimate little church and I love that the view is the same as from your parents home so in a manner of speaking your parents will still be looking at the same view,
on a different note your next post has reminded me I should go cut some forsythia branches and bring them inside too, none are in flower but they may open up in the house, Frances
It’s a lovely place, and my mother will be able to look over at the church tower every morning when she sits with her morning coffee, so in a sense she won’t be entirely alone.
And I’m a strong advocate of bringing in forsythias and forcing them into bloom for a little pre-taste of spring.